A rainy few days.

It's VERY hard to feel as if you are good enough at anything when you reach the point where your mind has given up on itself and doesn't like anything about itself. I have had the MOST amazing summer of my life. This past weekend i also went hiking. I have never had a more in my face way of seeing how "not good enough" I was. I have always had self esteem issues but nothing that was ever so strong and so hurtful as these hiking trips have been to me. I get so discouraged every time i would fall behind, which was the whole time. I ended up breaking down and my friend Aaron helped me realize that i was being too hard on myself, at which i just stopped saying things out loud and made myself keep them in. A good few friends stayed behind with me, and kept me company so i wouldn't be alone. I of course hated this the whole time bc i was making them miss hiking with everyone else. I also apologized over and over again for slowing them down. They never complained about anything but i just felt horrible. I reached a point when i got to the end that i was sick of being out of shape and i decided i needed to make a change. I was emotionally flustered though. How is it that i LOVE and ENCOURAGE and see the best in others all the time its so normal for me i love helping others feel better, yet when it comes to myself I cant think of one positive thing to keep me going. I then got in the bus and was very quiet the whole way home. I read from my bible, I went straight to Job, bc i always feel when i am overwhelmed and its impossible to look through, thats the book to go to, i mean come on the guy went through SO much! The Christian radio station was also on and id stop to close my eyes and sing some of them and MEAN the words. The issue i found is not that i don't believe any of the or doubt his love for me, i just don't like me; therefore making it incredibly hard to believe others do. I realize I sound very down and very not like myself in writing this, but the truth is, I don't understand how God delights in me sometimes. I will get over this, I am sure of it! I will not let this depression or the Devil have it's way, but it is a one day at a time struggle right now. Today is day 3! I am becoming a new person in the sense that I will not give up, I will be as encouraging to myself as i am to others, and I will not doubt the Word of God, In which it states that I am precious to him. I will read it everyday and build myself up. If i fall I will get back up. This is hard, but he never gave up on me, so i, in return will not give up on pleasing him. If i try my hardest and thats all i can do, then he will love me not for what i didn't do, but for the determination and the will i gave trying to get done what i DID do!

My First Blog

Well, this is my first of many many more blog's to come. I told myself i would start this about a year ago, and never did. Now I wish I had because this summer has been absolutely amazing and I should have been documenting it along the way but I guess I can recap for a while. My name is Mandie and I am in school for early childhood development. I am 25, and none of my younger friends let me forget it. I am not married and have no children. I am saved by the blood of Jesus Christ and live everyday only because he has a purpose for me and loves me. I will not claim to be perfect nor do I expect perfection. My God never gives up on me therefore I try to not give up on others. All this said I do have bad days and I do get angry, but I try to wake up and start fresh every morning. My intention of this Blog isn't to sub a a journal, though it very well could be, i do not intend on typing things that are of no one else's business nor desire to know, I simply choose to write because things happen everyday that could and should be documented, little things that could help others see Christ is certain was, therefore I choose to write. Plus, it can't hurt. Hope to reach other believers through whatever it is God is doing through me. God Bless.